Friend A or Friend B?

I used to think that the most complicated word to define was ‘love’ until I took a really long look at my 400+ list of Facebook friends and asked myself, “Can I really call anyone here a friend?” So who are your friends? After perusing many online dictionary sites the best definition I discovered was, “A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.” The first runner up, from thefreedictionary.com says, “A person whom one knows, loves and trusts.” I call persons who fit into these definitions: FRIEND-A. Of course, the word “friend” has also evolved into more informal definitions such as: “An acquaintance,” and “a person who gives assistance, an ally, a patron, a supporter.” I call those who fit into those two: FRIEND-B. Both type of definitions clearly have their place in our lives but what concerns me most is the possibility that we’re confusing the two and putting people in the wrong categories.

My inspiration for writing about this subject came after listening to a friend of mine complain about two people she considers to be her ‘friends’. According to the evidence, which I will state later, she clearly had placed them in “FRIEND-A” boxes when their behavior suggested they deserved to be in “FRIEND-B” boxes.Sounds pretty simple and straightforward right? Not quite. Sorting out people into the two boxes can be an extremely difficult task. For example: where do you put your old high school classmates whom you used to be very close to and have not seen for  more than a decade? Seeing them and wanting to reconnect with them almost immediately suggests that they deserve box- A, but ten years is surely a long time; long enough for them to change and long enough for you to change as well. It also begs the question, “Why didn’t the two of you stay connected over the years if you were such grade A friends?” In most cases, friendships like these have to be rebuilt if it must fit into box-A and for the person who already has their fair share of “friends” the apparent disconnect hardly motivates one to commit to such an investment.

Perhaps the two of you weren’t so close in high school, College or back when you worked for “Whatever The Name Is Ltd.” That is definitely an understandable reason for the estrangement over the years but how would you explain the same happening to the person you dared to call your best friend? What happened to that person who knew you inside-out, whom you seldom left home, school or work without; who is supposed to be the A+ of your friends? Based on the definition of FRIEND-A, what stopped the knowing, loving and trusting or broke the bond of mutual affection between you two? Should we say that time or long distance is the perpetrator? We stay connected to family members we love who live overseas so why can’t we stay connected to a best friend who goes off to study or to reside there? And with the advent of social media and modern technology can this excuse still be held valid? On the other hand, there are some friendships which have the miraculous power to continue right where they left off regardless of how much time has passed. Perhaps, one can explain it by saying that nothing significant has changed over those years to affect the relationship. But let's not confuse the term 'catching up with an old friend' with a 'great friend'. That person must still prove themselves like they did before and until they do; the appropriate course of action would be to click on his or her name and drag and drop them into FRIEND-B box.

Marriage is also a factor that cannot be ignored. I’ve known of many so called, Friend-A type friendships which dissolved as soon as one party ties the knot and I’ve always been flabbergasted by the phenomena. Are some of us taking the phrase, “You and me against the world” too literally? Maybe your husband or wife is your best friend. That certainly puts things into perspective. On the other hand, I also know of cases where Friend-A friendships have survived one of its partners getting married. The occurrence of both scenarios could be dependent on several factors: such as whether or not the friendship is a threat to the marriage, whether or not the married party is content with a best friend(spouse) and nothing more, whether the outside friend and the new spouse get along, etc. For those who believe that they lost a best friend over marriage, I think it is important to at least try to understand the reason and find closure. Nevertheless, you need to move on and carry him or her over to box –B.

It is often said that some relationships are for a reason, season and a life time. What they don’t say is that for any relationship to make it past the reason and season part, it requires a consistent investment of time, love and transparency by both parties. FRIEND-A may not always be connected once a day, seven days a week but at least they’d be connected. What helped me disqualify people from my FRIEND-A box is their lack of involvement or concern for the various aspects surrounding my life. If they don't know what's going on or try to know, how can they help or be there for me when I need them the most? It isn't just an issue of frequency of communication but an issue of involvement. Some people tend to show up only when they need something from you and based on how often they need something, you might be seeing them quite often. Others can be quite helpful and fun when you contact them but if you were to wait on a random call or message from them, you’d be waiting in vain. And that’s probably because you’re not part of their FRIEND-A box. Go figure. Such was  the case with my friend earlier. She has two persons whom she considers to be A-type friends but their involvement in her life is very questionable. One is more involved,(hang-out wise) than the other but she usually has to take the initiative to make it happen. The other is non-existent apart from frequent BB broadcasts and short messages. She argues that they care about her a lot but they seldom attempt to interfere with her personal life. Yet she has them sitting quite comfortably in the FRIEND-A box.

As you ponder on these points and begin to reconsider the status of many of your friendships, don’t be too quick to start mentally rearranging your “friends.” It’s easy to conclude that someone isn’t a FRIEND-A because of what they haven’t done  but the more important question is: “What have you done to rebuild or restore the friendship?” If you haven’t tried to reach out you’re basically disqualifying yourself by your own standards. If you think that that individual deserves to be in your close circle, then put them to the test and make the first move. Unfortunately,  reaching out still doesn’t guarantee that the friendship will ever grow into what it used to be and if all fails, accept them for what they are: acquaintances, support groups, people you know or used to know, and go find a better friend!

In The Face of Tragedy

When news of tragedy hits us, it is like a slap in the face: unexpected, painful and dangerously provocative. These emotions no doubt double in size when the tragedy doesn't occur naturally but is perpetrated by someone else. How could a person do this to another human being? What could this young girl or boy have done to deserve such a brutal ending? The more our minds are inundated with questions like these, the more enraged we become when the answers we get don't suffice. Angry thoughts of revenge at this point feel purposeful and often give us a sense of duty to the family and/or the deceased until we come to the sad realization, that no matter the deed, it still doesn't bring back the person we love so dearly.

"So what do we do! How am I supposed to deal and when does this healing process begin if it ever does begin?" echoes the grieving soul. Where and how do we find the words to encourage a mother, father, brother, sister, husband, wife, son or daughter etc.who has just been injected with this syringe of agony and helplessness? I don't know. Do we understand what they're going through? Sighs...unfortunately some of us do but most of us don't. And in this regard, I am not ashamed to say that I too; swim in the silent majority.

And so my heart goes out to the family of Crystal St. Omer and all the other families who've ever been wounded by the loss of a loved one by either natural or violent means. If death has taught me anything, it is has taught me that grief isn't its only gift. It also brings unity and wherever there is unity, there is a great measure of strength. So if there is anyone who feels like their strength has been sapped; rest assured that we, your immediate and extended family, are here to lend you some of ours. We offer you our condolences and our prayers but even more importantly, we offer you our word: to keep their memories alive and to fight against violence and crime in our country in all of its various forms. May the Lord grant you peace at this time. [By Valentine Dantes]

Effective Communication => Success

I was once told that St. Lucians, my native people, are horrible communicators. Do you think so? Now of course, everyone doesn't fall under this generalization but after measuring myself on the effective communication beam again, I found out that I too was falling short in some areas. What is it that makes us not respond to emails written specifically to us because we're not particularly interested in the request, proposal or information? Don't you think it would be polite to at least reply with "received' or "Thanks but not interested" or something similar to indicate that the message was delivered?

Another famous scenario is when something happens to Person A which causes his or her plans to change but Person A doesn't bother or see the need to inform Person B of those changes. I've wondered if our fear of conflict is behind this practice and since communication is a bridge to conflict, we sometimes try to avoid it at all cost. Unfortunately, we fail to learn that avoiding conflict in this scenario only breeds further conflict as person B's first response would go something like, "Why didn't you tell me that earlier?" And what about the way we communicate on facebook, MSN, BBM and and whatsapp? Why do people just walk away from conversations without saying "BRB" or "on the phone" or "I'm walking away from this conversation?" lol.

When you are not clear about something, it leaves room for other people to speculate and add their own versions or reasons for your action. So regardless of our feelings,moods or interests, we ought to take a more pro-active approach to communication if we want to build significant relationships that will propel us to success. Fight the urge to ignore that email or ping and try to respond out of courtesy in no less than 3 days. Dare to be different! It will make those who sent it respect you more for it, even if you said that "you were not interested." We can't get very far if we don't communicate effectively.

Too Quick 2 Quit!

 It is said that "Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently." It is imperative for our personal growth and development to learn from our mistakes and continue the pursuit of our dreams. Don't be so quick to quit! There is no dream or goal that can be accomplished without some level of obstacle or opposition. You're even allowed to make some mistakes along the way but don't let your mistake(s) pound your vision into the ground. Instead, let it propel you even farther and faster. Success is not a destination; it is a journey and where you are now, is just a part of that journey because your story isn't done. "A big shot is only a little shot who kept on shooting." Don't quit on your dream...fight for it!"