Noo!! I Just Got Friend-zoned. Help!!!

Have you ever got friend-zoned? If you’re reading this and you’re a girl, then chances are that you haven’t, because you’re probably the one doing the friend-zoning :-). This is a man’s issue ladies, his worst nightmare and probably the place of his greatest discomfort. Guys, I think you know what I mean but for the benefit of some: it is the awkward moment when a (single or available) girl stops and/or redirects the advances of her guy friend, making him painfully aware that she is not interested in anything more than friendship. This occurrence doesn’t just take place with men I should add. Women get friend-zoned too but the term is more well-known with males.

Marlon: “Jen, we’ve been friends for almost five years and I’ve loved you for all five of them. I know you like the back of my hand: every expression, every emotion and you do the same with me. I’ve held back too long now and watched you let these fools break your heart over and over again. Please give me this chance let me love you and be with you like we’re supposed to be.”

Jennifer: “I do love you Marlon but I don’t want a relationship to get between what we have right now. I’m sorry, but I just want to be friends. I hope you understand.”

Not all friend-zoning rituals follow the example of the one above but they all share the same familiar pattern and outcome: guy advances, guy gets shot down, girl just wants to be friends. So why was this guy good enough to be a close friend but not good enough to be a prospect? That I believe is the million dollar question right there but what is most unfortunate about it is that in most of those scenarios, the girls seldom truthfully give the answer. Why can’t people just be honest about how they feel?  The truth may hurt but it can liberate the soul. It is the only way to not perpetuate the same mistakes over and over again. But this stops now. To the guy who was never told why he wasn’t good enough and the girl who didn’t know how to articulate it so that he would understand; I hope you find closure in this article. 

 

Physical appearance has a huge role to play in a man's dive into the friend-zone and it is definitely inclusive of body language. It is the initial and critical stage of attraction, i.e. how a woman perceives a man without him opening his mouth, and isn't to be taken lightly. What type of impression does your appearance and body language communicate to the opposite sex? The two must always work hand in hand. Where your physical appearance may be lacking, your body language should be able to pick up the slack. Do bear in mind though, that there are some things that women can overlook when it comes to physical appearance such as height, whilst others cannot or choose not to. Don’t beat yourself up if you're bald and she isn't into bald men. One woman’s loss is another woman’s gain. Keeping yourself neat and fresh, having good fashion sense and wearing a light but sweet scented cologne will certainly help enhance your physical appearance. It doesn’t however, guarantee you entry into the relationship zone. Many men have passed the attraction test but still find themselves being dumped into the friend-zone. This is where it gets a little more complicated.

We often get the  idea that women don’t know what they want when it comes to a mate and it appears that there is some truth to that. If you ask the average woman to describe her ideal husband, she would probably describe another woman: “He must be gentle, sensitive, affectionate, someone who likes to talk and express his emotions.” What’s even more ironic is that those same women hardly go for men who fit that profile. You would be surprised; these are the same men who actually get friend-zoned lol. So why do they say one thing and do something else? It may sound hypocritical but I can assure you that it’s not. When women list the qualities that they find attractive or desirable about men they either dabble around their emotional needs or stick to the man's physical attributes. There is a middle ground however, that you seldom hear about that is arguably more important than other two when it comes to determining her level of romantic interest. And this is where most of us men fall between the cracks.

As a man in the friend-zone or did some time there, you need to ask yourself, “What is it about me that prevents her from wanting more?” 

Does she like you? 

Of course she does. The two of you couldn’t be so close if she didn’t. 

Does she trust you? 

She tells you everything including when she meets someone else (lol) so I’d say yes.

Aren’t you kind, gentle  and sensitive when it comes to her emotions and stuff?  

She says that you’re one of the sweetest and most understanding men she has ever come across. 

Does she find you attractive? 

She has admitted that you’re extremely cute.   

Have the two of you ever kissed? 

You were probably fortunate enough to land a kiss or two without her pushing you off. 

So what is it!!!! Such is the frustrations of the ‘nice guy.’ To help me understand this better, I had to take a careful look at the guys she frequently chose over me. (Did I just say that? Damn. Ok I guess the cat is out the bag now lol.) And in doing so I realized a similarity. Yes, they were all a bunch of jackasses from my vantage point but from hers, what I believe she saw were confident, assertive, adventurous, dangerously fun and unpredictable. Those guys may have been A-holes overall but they certainly had some positive traits.

One girl explained it to me this way, “I need a man to take charge and make stuff happen especially when I am being difficult and moody. I don’t want someone that will do everything I ask or say.” You don’t normally hear that when a woman is listing her top five emotional needs in a relationship. Of all those listed above, I’d say that this one carries the most weight and can solely determine whether you stay in the friend-zone or not. You have to be able to say no to some of her requests and reduce your availability as well. People are drawn to people who love life; not people who seem like you’re their only ticket to a life. Let her call you whilst you’re out with your other friends having fun. Go out on dates and then tell her about all the fun you had (fun that she will imagine she could have been having with you.) That’s certainly more contagious than, “Hey what you are up to? Nothing much.” Confidence is also pretty high up there and many guys remain stuck in the friend-zone because they lack confidence to step up and do something about it. Others have too much confidence or arrogance and don’t get to pass go or collect $200. It’s straight to the jail of friendship. The average ‘nice guy’ presents a boring, predictable image and most girls want to have fun. If a nice guy is funny but lacks everything else, he still has a chance of laughing his way out of the friend-zone. Such is the power of the attraction of humor but for the others, the future doesn’t look so bright.

In a nutshell, these are the reasons you would see good girls dating bad guys or the occasional good girl with a nice (funny) guy. Those nice guys who fall in the middle, like you and me, must be able to adapt and adopt some of the traits of our competition in order to make that liberating and lasting impression we need to step out of the friend-zone.